"It takes two to tango." So the saying goes. Two people working together in
one accord can and will make a relationship work. In other words every
relationship has to be two-way traffic; you give and take i.e. sharing in
peaceful co-existence. Intimate sexual experience and enjoyment are not left
out.
When a relationship becomes one-sided it makes the whole friendship structure
weak and shaky leading to boredom and tiredness, the end result is an
unresponsive partner. The Bible says, “Can two walk together except they
agree?” NO! So how do you handle an unresponsive, bored and tired partner?
What is the cause of the problem? Very simple! Lack of communication and
understanding. Every problem has a root, find it and uproot it.
Improving the level and quality, of your communication with your partner is a
good starting point, determining the point at which your partner became
unresponsive is another point, working backwards and sorting yourselves out is
the biggest and a very bold step. While understanding yourselves is, and
should be the crown of it all for a peaceful, wonderful, lovely and long lasting
relationship. How are these things resolved? We as humans want to be loved
and cherished, appreciated in every single way; so don’t expect things to work
out instantly as you begin to work towards setting things right; be patient, it
takes time, as love takes time to grow so does making p for the past mistakes.
From a general study of relationships both successful and unsuccessful, it was
noted that problems build up gradually and after a while they go beyond
control; for some it took the divine intervention of God to solve and heal the
wounds created while others went the other way round. Some of these wrong
doings will be mentioned and discussed in detail including ways to avoid or
remedy them.
In every relationship or marriage, every partner likes to think or feel that they
are having an affair with someone special and unique. There is nothing wrong
with that but there would be a problem when you start discussing your
partner’s personal ills or defects, especially sexual, with a close friend. Even if
you think your partner will never find out, there will be a day that close friend
will discuss the same issue with another friend who will end up telling another
friend and before long it spreads like wild fire so the details will one day be out
in the open and a crack would be created in the relationship before long if your
partner eventually finds out. It is best you discuss issues like that directly with
your partner but don’t belittle your partner with your remarks or comments in
anyway do it in a polite way and be careful not to hurt each other’s feelings. If
it’s a sexual problem, please don’t disparage your husband’s masculinity or
your wife’s feminity including your partner’s capability or inabilities. Find
ways of teaching each other how to overcome such sexual problems. Teach
each other to do the things you both love and what turns you on where and
how you love to be touched. Some couples allow shame to disturb them from
discussing such problems or feel their partner would feel a bit odd with such
issues. Please remember there is no fun in a relationship if the sexual part of it
is not right no matter how comfortable the couple may look on the outside they
are just a disaster waiting to occur. Never confuse comfort with happiness. The
couple may be comfortable an all instances but they will never be happy until
their sexual life is restored and going in the right direction.
It is not unusual to have quarrels in a relationship. It is fine and perfectly all
right but it becomes a problem when it happens too often especially in public.
If you must quarrel, do it in private away from all prying eyes. During quarrels,
some couples make the mistake of calling names and saying all sorts of
abusive things about each other leading to fights. Don’t let your quarrels turn
into fights or a grudge match; in quarrels, deal with the present issues don’t go
digging into the past misdeeds of your partner. This shows you as an
unforgiving partner not ready to listen to pleas. Come out of quarrels as friends
not enemies i.e. no victor no vanquished. Don’t go to bed angry after a quarrel
and don’t because of the quarrel sell sex as a commodity to your partner in
anyway to gain what you want it puts you in the class of a professional. Don’t
expect a settlement instantly because it takes time; just forget about it. Make it
a habit of saying “I’m sorry” when you are at fault and admit truly that you are
vat fault. When you find out your partner is at fault don’t make a big fuss about
it, handle things with care and maturely. Talk politely and not at the top of
your voice. If your partner is offended don’t ever put up a nonchalant attitude.
Don’t be too proud to beg for forgiveness. Say “please” at the end of all
quarrels say “I love you” from the depth of your soul, meaning it with all of
your heart until you see a smile on your partner’s face. Then you are not just
partners, you are more than friends, united in one accord.
In a relationship where there is always a fight it always has a drastic effect on
both partners morally, physically and emotionally not to talk of when married
and there are children from the relationship. It is said that the children are a
perfect reflection of what goes on at home; when a child shows up amongst
friends depressed or acting strangely or having the character of a bully towards
girls (that’s if the child is a boy), watch well and study the home which that
child comes from. The father must be a kind of person that beats and batters
his wife and the child is just looking for a way to ease his tension or let out his
emotions. It goes for the girls too. In a situation where a girl is always nagging
and having a different attitude towards boys; her parents’ home is not settled.
If there is anything important in this world in marriage it’s the welfare of the
children from both parents and they should be considered when a minor
quarrel is turning into a grudge match or worse a fight; they suffer the pain
most. In broken homes it takes a lot of effort for the kids to get over the fact
that their parents are no longer together that is , if they ever get over it and
their present experience in life later becomes a fear and worse a nightmare
which may alter the way they handle such issues when they become adults.
A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a
tranquil, harmonious home. That is why I would say marry a woman you enjoy
talking to because as you get older, her conversation skills will be important as
any other. Be friends with your partner and children; try all your best in
whatever situations you find yourself to be at peace with your family. Once in
a year go to some place you’ve never been before and remember to take
photographs at every family outing or gathering. Later these photos will trigger
wonderful memories that will put smiles on your faces for a very long time.
Take a family portrait and update it every three years or when there is a new
arrival in the family.
Open your arms to changes but don’t let go of your values. Change is what
causes problems in most young marriages. It doesn’t matter how long you two
have been in courtship once you get married it’s a different ball game. Always
remember, you are both from different backgrounds and it takes a lot of work
to put these backgrounds together in the first year of marriage but if this huddle
can be crossed you are almost inseparable. As the years go by things change
but that doesn’t stop you from remembering the good old days, every year
celebrate the day you and your partner first meet, relive your first date. If you
can’t go to the exact place you went on your first date try to replicate the words
and actions of that day, honestly that goes a long way in making things better.
There are some major things men forget too soon into a marriage. Always
remember that she is still the same woman you found and fell in love with
before you got married just because you are married to her now doesn’t mean
she has changed. Even though she has changed physically deep within her she
is still that same woman you caught with your smooth words or attitude years
ago. Like it has always been the way to your woman’s heart still remains the
same though it may come in different package or way now. Life will
sometimes hand you magical moments savour it especially when it’s with your
wife. Do things for her that will make her happy and know this, her heart will
always be pleased with you at all times.
I believe with these few points I’m about to give, it will go a long way in
making things right. Even the strongest of men will have his heart melt after
these points are followed carefully.
• Create a little signal only your wife or husband will know so that you can
show your love across a crowded room.
• Never betray a confidence placed in you by your partner.
• Don’t expect your love alone to make a neat person out of a messy one.
• Never laugh at anyone’s dreams most especially your spouse.
• Memorize your favourite love poems and learn to say “I love you” in at least
four different languages.
• Life will sometimes hand you a magical moment. Savour it and remember no
time spent with your spouse and children is ever wasted.
• Never miss a chance to dance with your partner.
• Use the picture of your partner as a screen saver or a bookmark it puts a smile
on their face and a feeling of security in their heart.
• Carry a list of your partner’s important sizes in your wallet.
• When your partner has gone through a lot of trouble to get dressed up and
look good, tell them they look terrific.
• Don’t take a good friend, good health or good marriage for granted.
• Let your children see you do things for your partner it lets them know how
much you love and treasure each other.
• Put love notes in places your spouse least expects.
• Become someone who brightens the room just by entering it.
• Always carry your partner along in whatever you do, invest in each other’s
values.
• Lastly remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each
other is greater than your need for each other.
With these few steps and handling of things like adults, there is no limit to the
understanding that is going to grow between you and the strengthening of your
relationship. HAVE A LOVELY UNION!
© Alamutu Omololu Oluwaseun 2011
